Every so often when my soon to be 3yr old is driving me crazy... I find myself picking up my pregnancy/baby journal that I kept for him and reading past entries. They bring me back to that place.. deep inside the labyrinth of pregnancy, the place of unknowing, excitement and anticipation (and even a little fear!) to remind me that I still love my child. Ok. That sounds bad. But if you're child is anywhere near the age of 3, you know what I mean. Yes. I will always love my child. But there are moments when I don't feel like liking him. Really, even in those moments, if I really think about it, I'm still brimming over the top with love and adoration for him. Its my own issues that cloud those moments, my impatience, my expectations, my short temper, my inability to draw upon that deep well of love and be present in each moment as good or bad as they are. I find by reading entries that I wrote over 3 years ago, changes how I look at him and myself in these present, crazy moments. These entries ground me.
April 21, 2006
My lil'beano,
Well the 10 day countdown has begun. 9 more days until you are due. When do you think you will come out? Everyday I get more and more excited. Last night I was laying in bed and all I wanted was to hold you. I am looking so forward to cuddling and nuzzling you. To have you sleep next to me and I can watch your face change and grow. And I am definitely ready to be done with pregnancy. I want to be small again and to sleep on my tummy. Although, once my milk comes in that might not be very comfortable.
Your Auntie Kim has been here for almost a week now. She has been such a tremendous help. Every morning I wake up and the dishes are done and the living room clean, lots of little things like that, that I completely need and appreciate. She has also been wonderful company for me. Your Dad doesn't understand how we can just sit and talk for hours upon hours and then do it again the next day. I guess it is kinda funny when you think about it. But we don't seem to run out of things to say. Yesterday, it was really warm outside, so we decided to take a walk to 7-eleven to get Slurpee's. I don't think we or I anticipated just how long and tiring that it would be. We walked a few blocks, and I was ready to lie down. But I kept pressing on. The Slurpee was sure good and worth the walk. Although, once we got home I started feeling pretty sick and nauseous. I didn't really eat or drink much before we left and so I think the combination of that, hot hot sun, and pure liquid sugar (Slurpee) did me in. I hate feeling nauseous, too. Yuck. Plus that night we were having our whole small group over for a BBQ. Your Dad bought a BBQ the other week and has been inviting people over left, right, and centre. Guess the combination of the fire, steel and meat makes him feel more manly. heehee :)
So it definitely was not a lot of fun for me to have company and feel so awful. But I just laid in bed and Kim rubbed my belly, and once I had some dinner, I did start to feel better. But there was a part of me that was a little concerned that I was going to start labor. But everything seems fine now.
Your Auntie Kim has helped me get motivated to pack my bag for the hospital, so yesterday I made a nice list of all the things we will all need. The people that lived in our house before we moved in left some luggage, so I have to clean it out soon and start packing. I bought a couple of tank-tops and comfy pj's for after the birth to wear in the hospital.
I also started my (well "your") diaper service yesterday. Your Dad and I have decided to try cloth diapers with you. So we will see how it goes. The company is called "Happy Nappy" and they deliver clean diapers and liners to you, and pick up your dirty ones, so you don't have to wash them. The little diapers are so cute, and soft. If I were a little baby, I think I would enjoy them. So hopefully you do.
Everything is coming together so nicely, and I am so excited for the day you decide to join us out here. I really have no intuition if you are a boy or girl, so its going to be quite the surprise. Either way you will have so much love, attention, and affection... it doesn't really matter:)
I love you so much already:)
Come soon lil'bean!
xoxo
Mommy
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