17 months is a long blogging break...

As I sit here, typing, I feel very sheepish. The Blogging Judges are in full force this morning, and I have completely failed.

17 months is a long blogging break.

I am not even sure how to re-enter the blogging world, but I am going to try... one word at a time!

If there was some sort of magical app that took your skeletal thoughts and automatically created a beautiful, well-written blog post, I would have had many entries over the last year and half! Unfortunately, now that Steve Jobs is gone, I don't foresee such greatness for a long time. Suppose I'll have to just blog the old fashioned way. Sitting my ass down at the computer, making it a priority to have this time for myself, and therapeutically write away.

All that being said, the last 17 months have been so wonderfully intense and amazing. Many changes have taken place.. welcoming a new baby boy into our lives, watching our oldest transform from toddler to kid, and witnessing my own shift into 'mother of two'. That shift has held tears, grime, stress, laughter, love and joy. But now it really feels like that great pair of worn-in sweatpants, warm and comfy... perhaps because that's all I wear!

Yes, 17 months is a long blogging break, but I have gained lots of great material to write. So dear Blogging Judges... you can suck it, 'cus I'm back.

And the women gathered...

I am officially in my 'due' month. What a great time of year to have a baby, September just oozes new beginnings, beautiful changes, and a sense of settling, snuggling into routine. Even though I am much past my school attending years, I love the smell of early September mornings. Crisp, bright, cool yet warm in the lingering sunshine of summer.. aahhhh the smell of new school supplies and new adventures. (Yes, I was one of those weird people that liked school).

This September will mark a very significant change in our lives, the welcoming of a new babe into our family. I couldn't think of a better way to start off the month than by preparing to be blessed to my core at my upcoming Mother Blessing. This weekend, the women who are the most significant to me will gather, surrounding me with their love and blessings, and I just can't wait!

Today, my Mom and Sister will begin the long (11 hr) drive to attend the Blessing and stay for the weekend. I am so grateful that they are making the trek to join in on the celebration as it would not be the same without them.

Its kind of fun to imagine they are journeying like the woman would have back in the ancient days. Packing their vehicles (horses, donkeys, caravans... dodge caravan to be exact) with all the supplies (40lbs of juicy, Okanagan peaches to can and jam!) that a mom-to-be would need.

Preparing to take over her home with their nurturing and love.

What a great way to welcome in this birth month then by feeding our belly's and souls, wrapping ourselves in love, laughter, and late nights.

Whoa, nesting!

There is only approximately 5 weeks left for lil'sprout to grow and the tsunami of nesting has hit full force. I have been knocked to my knees by the its intensity and overwhelming sensation. I didn't experience this as deeply when I was pregnant with The Child, if anything.. I made myself nest, thinking it would help bring on labor.

This time? This time I feeeeeeeeel it.

The intensity is so great that it brings me to tears.

As I look around my house, tallying up the multiple things that need to be done, the cupboards that need to be cleaned, the piles of randomness that need organizing, the baby things that are needed, the laundry that must be washed, the windows that are dingy, the garden that requires tending... I am exhausted and I haven't even begun. It's the overwhelming need to be done everything, for everything to be in its place, spic and span, and it brings me to my knees.

In that place is where I realize the massive change that is creeping upon us. In a moment, it will never be us three again. It will be as if we have always been a family of four and its a bitter-sweet realization. Perhaps in those moments of having to let go of all the 'physical' tasks that I feel need to be done, I am also beginning to let go of what this family has been, slowly opening up to what it will be. That being said, I am still deeply holding on, frantically grasping for each delicious moment before we are changed forever.

The foundation that we have been living on is beginning to rumble, preparing for the massive shift of birth of this babe to take place. The rumblings are soft at the moment, but soon they will be hard to ignore. The call will come, the time will be just right, and I will have to lay everything down to complete the journey to greet my little one.

For this moment, I am going to just breathe... and fold some laundry.

It's going to be OK, Mom.

Have you ever had a moment with your child where you stop, look at them, and think... "Who are you?! How did you become this little person? When did you get to be so wise?"

I was standing in my kitchen the other evening, slightly upset (ok, maybe a lot upset... I do have an abnormal amount of hormones coursing through my veins) at The Husband as he had last minute decided to hang out with a buddy. I was not coping well with the spontaneous change of plans. Normally... when I am functioning on a normal level of estrogen (damn pregnancy), something like this would not be an issue for me. Fundamentally, its so important for us as individuals to get out and be with other adults, in a normal social setting. It is good for the soul, and only benefits your relationship with your spouse and children.

But this night? This night it felt like the end of the world.

As I stood in my kitchen, trying to put myself back together, mopping myself up off the floor.. if you will.... my son... my 4yr old son, stood there and rationalized with me.

"Mom. Its going to be ok. Dad said he's just going over to his friend's house to have a quick beer and then he's coming right back." He said this so matter-of-factly.. hand gestures included.

I let out a big, child-like sigh and replied "But he won't be right back, he'll probably be there for awhile"

"But Daddy said.. he's just going to his friend's to have a quick beer and he'll be right back. Its going to be ok, Mom".

SERIOUSLY. Where did this kid come from?

We must have stood there for about 10 minutes, I acting like the 4yr old child, and him.. the adult. Calming me down and reasoning with me. Then he walked over and gave me a big leg hug and said, "You can't be mad at Dad, he's my best friend. The best person in the whole world."

There went MY pity party. How can you reason with that? I was completely unable to be upset any longer. Ok, maybe I was still a bit disappointed, but I realized that this moment was not about me anymore.

So with lots of loving words and some yummy dinner, The Child and I continued on with our evening. This next baby is going to absolutely spoiled with the best big brother anyone could ask for.

Out of the Mouths of Moms!

Its true! The things that we say to our children are probably more comedic than what they say to us. Or at least it's a close tie! Mckmama (the creator of Not Me Monday!) has recognized the absolute hilarity of what us Mommies say on a daily basis, and decided its time to share.

"No, Spiderman doesn't live in Edmonton. He's not here, that's why you can't see him. He's just a pretend person in a comic book. I suppose he could live in Spiderman Land. No, I don't know where that is."

"You'll have to ask Grandma where Mommy came from. Where did you come from? You came from a lot of love. Sure, and poop and monsters."

"Well, when we die we're gone forever. I suppose we go up up up to the sky, really high. No one really knows for sure. I'm sure you'll still have your arms and legs if you're in the sky. Or, yes, you could just be a head, too. No, you can't come and visit me once you die. You might be able to see me. Ok, I suppose you can visit me if you're a ghost. I honestly don't know, sweetie."

(This was a very disturbing conversation, but one that I'm sure every child has. Just hard to talk about your child being 'died').

"You won't ever have boobies like Mommy. Only girls grow boobies. No, you won't turn into a girl. You're a boy and will always be a boy. Yes, because you have a penis. No, I don't have one."

"Mommy sent all the monsters back to Monster Island. No, they're not in your room. They're not allowed. No, I won't let them in my room. Ok, fine, just the nice monsters. Go to sleep. Yes, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. Don't worry, I won't bump into people."

Fabulously Four!!!

Somebody special turns a big 4 today!

Beginning our fabulous journey through the 4th year, I found it only fitting to start with chocolate chip pancakes.

Apparently, they are only a semi-hit, as The Child only had 1! Seriously, who only eats 1?! I even had 2... silly kid. Guess he's saving his sugar reserves for later.

I love birthdays, especially my own, but my child's birthday bring such a different feeling for me. My own birthday is one of excitement, anticipation and hope, while his brings all of those things as well as reflection. I treasure the time to reflect not only on his life so far, but how I have changed as a person, a wife, a mother.

Children are mirrors, they show us ourselves, the ugly and the beautiful.

Every one of his birthdays causes me to pause and remember the moment that I passed through the very sacred rite of passage of maiden to motherhood. My own death and transformation, daily being broken and humbled, yet healed at the same time. I know this next year is going to be one of much growth, and with grace, love, and hopefully some newly discovered patience, we will walk each step.

First step? Getting all the treat bags loaded into the car for a very special 4 year olds party.

Hello mayhem.

Growth

I've been noticing a lot of growth happening around me. Its a beautiful (sometimes stretching) thing to be surrounded with. The most tangible growth that is before me are my little babies. My seedlings. This is the first time that I have attempted to start my vegetable seeds indoors. Usually I just plant them directly into the garden after the last frost (hello beginning of June...).

This year I wanted to be able to plant some veggies that I don't normally plant, veggies that require being started early as our summer season is so dang short. Its been a lot of fun watching the little sprouts grow, grow, grow... soon becoming too big for their little britches and requiring new homes (pots).

I am sure you are all so impressed with my gardening skills. "Wow, what a green thumb!" you must be thinking. Before you start to feel all guilty about the lack of anything growing in your garden, (or maybe your garden kicks my gardens ass) please know... I have no CLUE what I am doing. I'm sure you've heard the saying "Fly by the seat of your pants".

That's my gardening motto.

All that being said, even though I have very limited knowledge on gardening (it can be very overwhelming!), it is so VERY rewarding to see the fruits (and veggies!) of my labor.

I've noticed another little sprout becoming a bit big for his britches. That would be my wonderful son. Very soon, the not so little guy will be 4.

4 years old.

A dear friend and fellow blogger has told me that it is not the "Terrible Twos" rather its the "F#cking Fours".

Fabulous.

If the "F#cking Fours" comes with a whole pile of defiance, excuses, "But, Mom, I just...", an unnatural obsession with Hide 'n Seek, and flailing temper tantrums... I think we've hit it. Not that I want to speak such an awful phrase over my child, and I really hope he proves it wrong, but I guess, I'm just being honest. His next year of growth is going to be a stretching one, for me and him. Grace. I choose to focus on that word this coming year.

The last but definitely not least area of growth that I am witnessing in my life would be myself. My belly to be exact. No, I didn't over indulge in an extra large dinner. We are welcoming a new little sprout to the family! Well, we've been welcoming it for the last 19wks to be exact! This is my first official world wide web announcement of the little sprout. I've actually really enjoyed the anonymity of not announcing it to the entire world of the internet. Sometimes I feel like our lives are so easily on display, I really enjoyed keeping this special secret to myself. Don't get me wrong.. lots of people know! But its been much more fun telling them in person and letting the preverbal grapevine do its work then announcing it on Facebook. Part of me toyed with the idea of never making a world wide web announcement, but its getting harder and harder to not talk about the lil'sprout the more it grows. This pregnancy has been very easy for me, so easy that I would easily forget. Now that the belly is growing, its harder to forget, and there is a joy that comes while talking about it. I also realized that in my need to keep this journey close to my heart, I have no pictures or documentation of the journey. What a difference from the first time!!

So here, with out further ado, is the very first belly picture of Sprout:

Yes, I am definitely surrounded by growth. In and around me. I am constantly amazed at how life works, bends and shifts, curves and moves. Beautiful, really.